What Are Aspects?
Aspects are parts of us, parts of our psyche, that we unconsciously create to manage different areas of life. Whether to handle daily routines, develop skills or protect us from pain, they help us to function effectively.
You might create an aspect to drive your car or to do your work, so that your whole self doesn’t have to focus on those mundane chores.
You might create an aspect to learn a particular skill, so it doesn’t take over the rest of your life.
You also create aspects to deal with pain, or to compartmentalize traumatic events so you can cope with life.
You have aspects that represent different segments of your life, and even different lifetimes.
You may not remember where all those aspects came from, but they are still part of you and they affect you subconsciously.
Most aspects are normal, useful and beautiful parts of life, and when they have served their purpose they reintegrate back into your being and add their bit of learned wisdom to your wholeness.
Troublesome Aspects
However, if an aspect represents pain, trauma, failure or something you feel ashamed of, then that aspect often gets pushed away into the darkest corner of your being and festers there.
You push it out of your awareness because you don’t like the pain it represents, but it is still part of you and it begins to act out in ways you can’t control and that create more painful experiences in your life.
At best, these buried aspects keep you stuck and unable to move forward effectively. At worst, they push you into a downward spiral of pain, confusion and disconnection.
The Solution
Most of us have spent many lifetimes running from our “dark” aspects, trying to get away from them. Trying to cleanse ourselves of them. And it doesn’t work.
It’s time to stop running.
It’s time to turn and face those forgotten parts of yourself, and to finally welcome them home.
To look them in the eye, to feel and acknowledge their pain, and to wrap your arms around yourself and say: I love me, just the way I am. I accept me just the way I am, including all these dark, hurting and seemingly shameful parts of me. I welcome them home.
Then, in that unconditional embrace of self it becomes safe for those parts of you to come home, to reintegrate with you, and to add their wisdom to your wholeness.
Self-Love
Self-love is the only path to real freedom, and it begins with unconditional self-acceptance.
It is not easy to love self, and it flies in the face of everything you were ever taught.
Real love is not that nice mushy feeling you get when you like someone. That can be a beautiful part of the experience, but it is a chemical reaction within your body and mind, not love itself.
Real love is a choice, and a commitment you make again and again.
Real love is an action that you take.
Self-love is a choice to treat yourself kindly, with compassion and acceptance.
Self-love is a commitment to speak kindly to yourself in the privacy of your own mind, and to allow yourself to be you even when it disappoints another.
Self-love is a choice to recognize your own worth, even when you feel worthless.
Give Yourself the Gift of Your Love
It is not easy to love yourself, but it is the most rewarding gift you can give to you.
That is why my wife, Romana Aniya, and I have created a very special course entitled, The New Love: Self-Love, Relationships, and Recovering Your Light from the Shame.
This self-paced course takes you on a deep journey into you and helps you create a safe space for integrating your aspects, and it gives you simple tools you can use right now to begin giving yourself the love and respect you truly deserve.
My Journey
When I was young I lived in a cloud of shame and confusion, trying so hard to be a “good boy,” a peacekeeper, and to never let anyone down. I put everyone else’s wellbeing ahead of my own, until it nearly destroyed me.
Then I began to learn about self-love, and one day I saw what I was doing to myself and said, “No more! I can still be kind to other people, but ONLY if I am kind and respectful to myself first.”
That began a whole new phase of my journey. Now I am at peace, and the shame and confusion are gone. Because now I have me.
Now I can feel joy no matter what is happening around me, because now I have my own love and acceptance and respect. And nobody can ever take that away.
Now I can receive the love of others, because I no longer need it.
Now I can truly love others, because in having myself I no longer need them to be different.
Self-Love Is Not Evil
When I was young they told me that self-love was evil, but now I see that they were confused. They equated self-love with selfishness and self-aggrandizement, but those come from shame and self-loathing. They are the opposite of self-love.
When you get on an airplane they tell you that if the oxygen masks come down you must put your own mask on first, before you help your child. Otherwise you might pass out, and then both of you will die.
Love is like that, for if you do not love yourself you cannot truly love another. You can need them, which is often mistaken for love, and sometimes you can have those blissful chemical reactions with them for a time. But you cannot truly love another more than you love and respect yourself.
In loving myself I become Love Itself, and that is what I radiate out to the world.
If you are feeling called to go deeper into this journey of self-love, I invite you to explore The New Love: A Course on Self-Love, Relationships, and Recovering Your Light from the Shame.
But either way, blessings on your journey and I wish you the greatest love of all: Your love.
John McCurdy
(The images above were generated by AI. The words are from my heart.)